How to talk to your child about race (ages 5 to 8)

What your grade-schooler knows – and needs to know

Despite what many of us have been taught, there's nothing wrong with talking about the color of people's skin. In fact, the opposite is true: Teaching kids not to talk about race can contribute to the problem of racism. It's never too early to begin nurturing a healthy awareness of diversity in your child. 

As kids enter grade school, they begin to figure out that the color of their skin has meaning beyond the colors found in a crayon box. Grade-schoolers are starting to categorize people in more sophisticated ways. They'll ask questions about appearances and identity that reflect their heightened awareness of subtle differences in skin tone, eye shape, and hair texture.

Five- to 8-year-olds are also increasingly curious about what groups they and others belong to. Questions from other kids – as well as those sparked by TV and movies – will begin to shape their notion of race. How you respond to your child's growing curiosity will affect her ability to relate to people of different backgrounds throughout her life.

As with other tough topics, it helps to talk to your child early and often about race. Embarrassment or silence gives your child the impression that the topic is off-limits or that a bigoted remark is accurate and acceptable to you. Children look to their parents for moral cues, and they'll learn from your actions as well as your words.

How to talk about race with your grade-schooler

Expose your child to people of all shades. If you don't live in a diverse neighborhood and your child doesn't go to a school with kids of other races, surround her with children's books and artwork featuring people of different races. Take her to events where you can interact with a range of people. Five- to 8-year-olds are the perfect audience for a step dancing group, Japanese cultural festival, or Kwanzaa celebration.

Stick to the facts. When your child asks about race, keep your answers direct. Children this age aren't able to process complex ideas like a teen or adult can. As always with kids, answer just the question asked.

Don't overreact to comments or questions. If your child makes a surprising comment or asks a startling or even offensive question regarding race, don't ignore it or hush her. Instead, respond in a nonjudgmental way – say something like "Let's talk about that for a minute..." so she doesn't think the topic is taboo. Then dig for context: "What made you notice that?" Try to get more detail about what the observation means to your child, says Susan Linn, a psychologist at the Judge Baker Children's Center at Harvard Medical School and coauthor of Talking to Children about Racism, Prejudice and Diversity. Your child's answer can spark a conversation. "To raise a child who's curious, not afraid, about differences, it's important to send the message that differences aren't bad," Linn says.

If your child offends someone with a remark, ask her to apologize, suggests Marguerite Wright, psychologist and author of I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla: Raising Healthy Black and Biracial Children. Later, in private, talk to your child about how certain comments can upset people. But don't make too big a deal about it – she's just learning.

Discourage labeling. Do you or other adults in your child's life tend to refer to people by race – "that black lady" or "that white man"? If so, your child will pick up on the habit. At this age, children begin to make their first derogatory comments, like "That black kid Bobby is a bad kid." If your child says something like this because she's been bullied by another child, validate her hurt feelings while reminding her that Bobby is an individual. "Send the message that it's not okay to judge a person by a group," Wright advises. Call people by their names rather than labeling them by race, and teach your child to do the same. If your child's grandparents or other adults in her life make racist comments, don't let them slide. Discreetly point out how your own view differs.

Filter the media, and talk about what your child sees. Don't let your child watch TV or read newspapers unsupervised. The media too often transmits stereotypes and distortions regarding race. While school-age kids understand that TV is not reality, they easily pick up on subtle messages about race and culture, so step in to challenge any racial stereotypes you see. If a news story about a racially charged incident comes on, take it as a "teaching moment" to discuss tolerance.

Don't overdo it. Talking openly is good, but you can place too much emphasis on race. Overemphasizing is no better than avoiding the topic. Give your child information, but in small doses.

Aim for "color fairness," not "color blindness." If you don't acknowledge differences, you fail to prepare your child to live in a multiethnic society. The message should be that "your ethnicity is part of who you are," says Wright, "and it's important to treat everybody fairly and equally."

Answers to common questions about race

"What race am I?" Others might ask your child this question, or it could come up as part of a school project about where families come from. Use family photos and a globe or map to talk about where your child's ancestors once lived, what they looked like, what language they spoke, and so on. This might get more complicated in multiracial families, but 5- to 8-year-olds can process the idea of belonging to more than one group.

"Why aren't I brown like Dad?" This question may come up in multiracial and adoptive families. Start off by saying "Every family is different." If your child is multiracial, talk about how she looks a bit like both her parents and her grandparents. If her skin color is different than yours, point out that her nose or her smile is similar and that you both like to read and play cards. Adoptive parents can talk about how children and parents don't have to "match" to be a family.

"Can I be white?" This question might come as a shock, but try not to show it. Grade-school kids want to fit in – if your child is in the minority in her school, she may have picked up on messages that some look down on her race. First find out why she's asking, then calmly talk to her about her heritage and what it means to you, using family photos, books, art, or music to reinforce a positive image. The bottom line is, no, you can't be white, but here are all the wonderful things about being the color that you are.

What else you can do

Surround your child with diversity. Arrange playdates and sleepovers with kids from racial groups she doesn't normally interact with.

Be proactive about teasing and excluding. In elementary school, the first conflicts involving race may arise. School-age kids, particularly girls, often segregate themselves by race as early as kindergarten. One researcher found that by age 6, many children already harbor racial prejudices. When Wright's daughter came home to say another child didn't want to play with her because she was "brown," Wright talked it over with her, then invited the other girl over for a playdate. She also spoke to the school about the incident, and the teacher brought it up in class without mentioning which children were involved.

Encourage diversity at school. Find out what books are read in your child's school library. Suggest diversity where there is none, with books like Let's Talk About RaceOpens a new window orThe Story of Ruby BridgesOpens a new window or White Socks OnlyOpens a new window. Parents at some schools form diversity committees to organize workshops, trips, and multicultural potlucks or festivals. And Wright suggests that parents get actively involved in recruiting students and faculty of other races.